Wicker Man Plod Tee

The Vintage kids TV Characters make this tee deeply sinister. I love it.

Putting Noseybonk in there as Lord Summerisle is just peak creepy. Top marks!

The 1973 version of The Wicker Man is my favourite horror film and I’m a big Jim’ll Paint It fan, so buying this was inevitable. I already have three of the old orange version and now two of the newer terracotta one. Five Wicker Man Plod T shirts. Perfectly normal behaviour.

The picture is brilliant, with loads of characters from the children’s programmes I grew up with turning up for what is possibly the worst village fete ever organised. Bagpuss, Mr Benn, the Clangers and plenty of others are all there, apparently completely unconcerned that someone is about to be burned alive.

But the star of the whole thing has to be Noseybonk as Lord Summerisle.

I was genuinely frightened of Noseybonk when I was a child. Why on earth did anyone think he belonged in a children’s programme? A silent bloke with a huge white face, massive nose and fixed grin wandering around behaving strangely. Someone at the BBC must have watched that and thought, "Yes, the kids will love him."

I didn't.

Still, casting Noseybonk as Lord Summerisle makes perfect sense. He looks far too pleased with himself while everyone else is heading towards ritual sacrifice and a disappointing harvest.

Thankfully they haven't included Mrs Bonk. Yes, Noseybonk had a wife. If you remember her, you have my sympathy. If you don't, probably best to keep it that way.

The terracotta version looks great and suits the whole 1970s folk horror feel. I’d say it was well worth buying, but as I now own five versions of the same T shirt, I’m probably not the person to ask.

Five stars. The crops failed. The harvest must be restored. Apparently buying another T shirt will sort it.